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1. Stop Being Defensive:
We all need to stop being defensive. I know for sure that I need to stop being defensive.
There have been numerous times when my partner has said something to me and I’ve taken it as an affront.
It is easy to fall into this trap. When we feel like we are not heard often, anything that comes out of our partner’s mouth can feel like an attack.
On top of that, if you are in a relationship with someone who is always berating you, you will always feel the need to fight back.
If it is a situation where your partner is truly attacking you, it is best to leave that relationship.
There is no reason why you should have to endure that kind of bullshit. But it is important to take inventory of what has been said to you.
Perhaps you are so used to being pinned against the wall –unless you really like that –and you are simply ready to defend yourself.
2. It’s Not Always About You
Believe it or not, not every fight is about you. Yes your partner may say things that make you feel like you are the problem, but pay attention to what he or she is saying.
The truth of the matter is that sometimes people walk into a room full of baggage.
What your partner is feeling might not have anything to do with you. Maybe he or she just had a bad day at work.
It is possible that your partner misunderstood an agreement you had. You ought to always pause and think.
The anger that your partner may seemingly be throwing your way might not be about you.
If you don’t stop being defensive at the mention of anything that you might have done, you risk ruining your relationship.
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3. Really Listen to What is Being Said
I don’t always hear what my partner is saying to me. It is not because I don’t care about her opinion.
I do. It is simply that sometimes the tone she uses, suggests that whatever is about to be said, is somehow my fault.
In a situation like that, the easiest thing to do is to prepare your boxing gloves. You get in the habit of wanting to have a real fight with someone you truly love.
If you want to stop being defensive, you have to learn to really listen to what is being said. If your partner is telling you that you never take the trash out, that is not an attack.
It is simply a fact based on your partner’s observances. If what is being said is untrue, than make a case for why it is.
Simply saying ‘that’s not true’, is an easy way to create gridlock in your relationship.
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4. Make Action Plans
Listening is important but so is follow-up. To stop being defensive, you have to be prepared to be on the front foot.
Now this does not mean always being prepared to berate your partner for his or her faults. Remember, no relationship is perfect.
The point of being in a committed union –however you define that –is that you help one another get better. You should make an action plan.
This is not a strategy for winning fights. What I mean by an action plan is that you should listen to what your partner is saying and then follow up.
If you partner tells you that you are doing something that upsets him or her, make a plan to stop doing that.
You may think that your partner’s demands are irrational, but that is not important.
What is important is that you want to show your mate that you are hearing him or her.
And if you follow up on something your partner gripped about and nothing changes, then you have a solid case to make as to why their demands are irrational.
5. Defend Your Position Without Being Disagreeable
Part of being an adult is that you don’t have to treat your relationships the way children treat theirs.
There is no running to mommy and daddy to complain about something that was done to you.
You certainly should not go around complaining to your friends about something your partner has done unless your life is at risk.
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However, stop being defensive by learning to defend your position without being disagreeable.
You can disagree with your partner. In fact I advise disagreeing with your partner as much as possible.
But you should not go out of your way to disagree just for the sake of it. Defend your position, but be flexible enough to realize when you are wrong.
Be adult and caring enough to known when to pull back and apologize.
6. Mirror Your Partner
One of the best ways to stop being defensive is to mirror your partner.
There is a lot of research, especially by those who practice the Guttmann style of therapy, that suggests that one of the best ways to make sure your partner knows you are hearing them is to mirror them.
Mirroring is one of the best communication tools that are available to couples. Even platonic friends can use mirroring to great effects.
When you mirror your partner, you repeat back to them what they have said to you. This lets them know that you are hearing them.
You stop being defensive when you acknowledge what your partner is saying and why it is important for them to say it.
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7. Let Your Partner Vent
Sometimes people just need to vent. If you are defensive, you will give your partner the feeling that he or she cannot talk to you.
The inability to communicate is one of the fastest ways to implode a relationship.
You have to let your partner get whatever they’re holding inside out. If you are in a committed relationship, you should be the one person your partner can depend on.
You have to stop being defensive long enough for your partner to know that he or she can lash out and be heard.
Remember that it is not always about you. Be selfless. Now I don’t advocate being anyone’s doormat.
There have been times when my partner would start to shout at the top of her lungs because she is upset. And I would let her as long as she doesn’t cross any lines.
Sometimes people need to hear from their significant other that there is space in the relationship for them to vent.
8. Don’t be Distant
I have to be honest here. Being distant is one of my favorite things to do.
Imagine coming home and the minute you walk in, your significant other starts griping about something. The dishes weren’t cleaned from the day before.
The children didn’t get their homework done. No one took the dog out. Somehow all these things are your fault.
You have to sit there and hear about all of this, and the whole time you’re wondering why your partner couldn’t take care of these things.
Then comes bedtime and you are all pissed off but your partner seems to have moved on.
How can anyone advocate that you stop being defensive when you feel like you are always to blame for everything?
You go to bed without kissing your partner. In the morning you barely look in their direction when you say hello.
When you leave the house for work you don’t say goodbye. Now this may feel like you’re handling the situation.
In fact, it feels good when you can send a message to your partner that you are unhappy with what they said to you the night before.
However, this does nothing to help your relationship. Don’t be distant. If you feel affronted, confront your partner about it right away.
Don’t let things linger. Before you know it, a week will have passed when the two of you have not kissed. And that can lead to more dissatisfaction.
9. Don’t Expect Everything From Your Partner
Stop being defensive by evaluating your expectations. The basic fact is that our partners want the best for us.
They want our relationships to succeed. I know of no one who secretly hopes his or her partnership fails.
But we sometimes get into a situation where we are expecting everything from our mate. We expect them to be the cook, the cleaner, the caretaker, and the breadwinner.
A person can only handle so much. So when the time comes when our partner starts to lash out, we need to think about why this is happening.
No one takes pleasure from ranting and raving.
It is usually a sign that the person feels the weight of expectation and doesn’t think he or she is getting adequate support.
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10. Remember You are a Work in Progress
One of the best ways to stop being defensive is to recognize that you are a work in progress. You are not perfect.
Your partner is not perfect. In fact, perfection is an unattainable goal for anyone to have. You are going to make mistakes.
Your partner is going to make mistakes. If you cannot have someone point out your mistakes to you, then you don’t need to be in a relationship.
One of the best aspects of my relationship is the fact that my partner does not hold on to things.
She lets them out right away so that we are both on the same page.