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If you consider yourself to be an introvert, you are probably of the opinion that you are often the odd man or woman out and you don’t know how to get better at small talk.
Some of us spend so much of our days in our heads that it seems impossible that anyone else could be like us. Sometimes the messages we get from our loved ones make you feel as though we are alone in the universe and whatever we are going through is our ordeal to contend with all on our own.
But the truth of the matter is that we are not alone in our sense of isolation. Everyone is a little awkward in their own way. We all have something about us that we can’t imagine other people finding endearing.
Get Better at Small Talk
It should be no surprise to learn that normal is non-existent. When people speak of normal, they’re often talking about what any community sees as agreed upon behaviors for its members.
It does not mean that every member sees these codes of behavior as the optimal way to express him or herself. We are all awkward, and that sometimes is a difficult fact to accept.
However, learning to handle being around other people and opening up to them, starts with accepting that those people you are so wary of, those who you think are probably judging you, probably think you are judging them too.
Everyone is a little self-conscious. To get better at small talk you have to first recognize this simple fact.
Only the truly narcissistic among us are devoid of this sense of doubt that you probably deal with every single day. So know that your seemingly confident neighbor, deep down probably thinks you will judge him if he told you about his shoe fetish.
Start with the weather
Now that you know you are not alone in this endeavor to get better at small talk, where do you start? If you are truly scared that opening your mouth is going to somehow set off the Armageddon –I know some of us have this issue –then start with the most basic and obvious of conversations.
I personally hate talking about the weather. You couldn’t pay me enough to talk about the weather.
I don’t understand how meteorologists enjoy what they do, but yet they seem to have a great time giving us false information –let’s be honest they’re often wrong about the weather.
However, you will have noticed that when people come up to you to have small talk, it is often the weather that they go to at first.
Sure it is a boring subject and if you are interested in having any sort of meaningful interaction with people, you probably are not too interested in discussing the weather, but if you are uncomfortable with small talk and are looking to get better at it, the weather is kind of a gold mine.
There is nothing controversial about the weather –unless you can’t agree on whether the sky is blue or not, but that would be a whole different problem. Anyone you approach will most likely respond to you when you’re talking about the weather, if for no other reason than to be polite.
Talking about the weather gives you a manageable gateway into talking about other things this person or persons may be interested in.
If it is sunny outside, you may end up talking about how sunny it was the last time you went to the beach or the last time the other person was playing volleyball.
The weather, although not the most fun subject, never fails in allowing you to open up a little bit to people you don’t know and aren’t sure you are going to like.
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Go Where Your People Are
Even if you are the most anti-social human being in the world, the fact is that there are things that you are interested in. And guess what? Chances are, there are people out there who are interested in the same things you like.
There are very few things that are better than being around people with whom you have something in common. So if you want to get better at small talk, seek out where people who are interested in the things you like are hanging out.
But don’t just go to any general place, be as specific as possible. The more specific you are, the better your interactions will be, unless you only want to talk about the weather for the rest of your life.
If you are into sports, find a bar where people who like the same sports team like to hang out and frequent that place.
If you like chess, find a park where other chess players like to hang out and go there and get amongst them.
Find wherever your tribe likes to hang out and go there. It may be daunting to open yourself up like that, but it will be a lot easier to converse with people if you have something in common. And chances are, those people will be very welcoming as they will see you as part of their group.
Even if the things that interest you seem to be so outside the margins of everyday society, find that small group of people who like those same things and go to them and make yourself available to them.
You’d be surprised how social you can get when you are amongst people who are like you.
Face Your Fears
If you are going to get better at small talk, you’re going to have to face some of your fears. Part of being good at small talk, is having things to talk about.
We’ve all been in that position before when we are standing in front or next to someone and we are all darting our eyes around because we have absolutely nothing to talk about –remember that’s how we often land on the weather.
But we want to get beyond talking about the weather. One strategy is to face your fears, whether it is simply talking to people or climbing to tall heights. By embracing your fears, you come into every conversation fully loaded with ideas and things to talk about.
When people approach you and start asking you what you have bee up to, you can tell them about how you went on a three hour hike up a mountain and you thought you were going to die but you came through it a stronger person.
Are you afraid of talking to women? Maybe you can talk about what happened the previous weekend when you approached some women and they didn’t smack you and call you a creep –or maybe they did, that might be an even more exciting story to tell.
We all have so much life in us but we are usually too afraid to face our challenges. When you face your fears, chances are you will have learned a lot about yourself in the process and talking to people would seem like such a minuscule thing to worry about.
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Go Out Every Day
Depending on what you do for work, it may be difficult to get out there and try to engage people on a daily basis. If you are honest with yourself, you know that a lack of time is nothing but an excuse regardless of what it is that you are trying to do.
If you are serious about getting better at small talk, or even simply interacting with other human beings, you need to make it your stated goal to go out every single day. And I mean every single day you need to be out there in public somewhere.
You don’t always have to talk to people, but you need to put in the effort to be out and around people you don’t know every single day. The point of doing this exercise is so that you get comfortable being around other people. Being around your mom everyday does not count.
You need to go out amongst people who have not raised you and who do not already believe you were God’s gift to humanity. It can be as simple as scheduling in a walk into a crowded area every day after lunch.
Go out every day and be around people. Bump into people “accidentally” as you’re out walking, put yourself in situations where you will be forced to talk to other human beings.
The more effort you put into shedding your cloak of insecurity, the easier it will be to interact with other people. As the saying goes, you never fail at the things you don’t try.
There is nothing that can stop you from stepping outside every day and being around others. If you live in an isolated area, I’m sure someone delivers your mail everyday other than Sunday.
Make it a goal to get out there and say something to the mailman; he would greatly appreciate the interaction with you. You will not get better at small talk unless you put yourself on the line to be forced to have small talk.
Read a Lot
People tend to underestimate the power of reading. Those of us who write tend to already have a habit of reading regularly, some of us profusely. Now you may be thinking that you are an introvert and all you do is read.
Not only is it important that you read, it is important that there is variety in what you read. If you love the classics that’s great, but you need to make sure that you are also reading some pulp fiction, or any book that is popular and of the moment.
Sometimes, when you find yourself at a party or any sort of social gathering, you are going to come across people who read a lot. You want to be prepared when they ask you what you’ve been reading or when they mention a book that is on the bestseller’s list that they find merits a deep conversation.
The more you read the more you broaden your horizon. The more variety you have in your reading material, the more exposed you are to differing ideas and opinions.
Part of getting to be good at small talk is being able to pinpoint what people are talking about and having something of value to say in return. You may not like talking about politics, but if you run into someone who reads a conservative magazine that you don’t read, you want to be able to add something to the conversation beyond simply repudiating the person for their beliefs.
Small talk is not about going in-depth with someone and trying to out-maneuver them. You need to be exposed to different ideas so that you can have a civilized conversation with people.
Reading is one of the best ways to get exposed to ideas that may be foreign to you.
Watch Popular Shows
I know, I know, you are probably rolling your eyes at the thought of having to watch popular TV Shows. Or maybe you already do. It doesn’t matter. You should watch some popular shows.
I myself don’t watch much TV; however, as you start interacting with more and more people, you will realize that a lot of people spend a considerable amount of their days watching television shows. You can’t simply scoff at the thought of watching TV.
TV gives people a lot to talk about, especially if there is a show that everyone thinks is really good. You don’t need to watch every single hit show –seriously don’t start binging on Netflix shows.
However, you want to watch a few popular shows so that if they come up during conversation, you get the point of reference. If someone references a scene from a show that most people have seen and you have no idea, they will likely move on to other people. And maybe you are ok with that.
Maybe you are not all that interested in talking to people who watch so much TV, but you will find that it doesn’t hurt to have a few popular references in your back pocket if for no other reason than to not appear so out of place.
I know not everyone likes watching television, but there is some merit to knowing what is going on in popular culture to make the brief moment that you will be talking to a stranger go by as smoothly as possible. You may even discover some series that pique your interest in the process, and that wouldn’t be such a terrible thing.
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Observe People
One of my absolute favorite things to do is to sit on a bench in a park and watch people as they walk by or as they sit, having their picnic and enjoying the weather. You can get better at small talk by picking up details from others.
I know it may sound a little creepy, but the truth of the matter is that you can learn so much by watching how other people live their lives. When people aren’t aware that they’re being watched, they do some of the most interesting things they’re capable of.
People, who aren’t aware that your eyes are cast on them, do not feel the pressure of having to perform for you and therefore are more likely to be their real selves rather than some manicured idea of what they’re supposed to be like.
For our purpose here, watching people is an exercise in training your eyes. What you want to do when you’re out observing people is train yourself to spot the little things about people.
You want to observe the small details about people’s lives such as what kind of earring they’re wearing or how they walk and what kind of shoes they’re wearing.
You want to observe these little things in clear concise details so that when you find yourself in an environment where you have to talk to people, you are able to quickly spot something interesting about the person standing in front of you.
Developing the ability to quickly discern information about people, will serve you in the long run, because it will help to eliminate those moments when everyone is looking around like they’d lost something important on the floor.
The better you get at noticing things about people, the easier it will be to improvise conversation topics in social environments and this can help you get better at small talk.
Of course you want to be careful not to be staring at people; no one likes to be stared at intensely. The more you practice, the better you will get at the subtlety of observation from afar.
Practice Everyday
As with anything in life, practice makes progress. If you want to get better at small talk, you need to develop a daily practice of doing small talk. If you are like most adults, you probably brush your teeth and wash your face every day.
Making small talk needs to become like brushing your teeth and washing your face every day. Now this does not need to be some exorbitant time consuming practice.
You have to evaluate your life and your daily schedule and figure out what works for you. It could be as simple as saying hi to someone in line every day when you go to get your over-priced cup of coffee.
It could be simply picking someone in your office that you don’t normally talk to and paying them an unwarranted compliment –trust me they would love to hear you say something nice to them. However you decide to develop this practice of making small talk is up to you.
You simply have to make sure that it is something you work on every day. I’m certain when you were trying to learn how to walk as a child, you tried it every day.
Repetition is one of the best tools that humans have that allow us to learn things quickly. Small talk may seem a trifling exercise in social skills, but it is ultimately a skill that we must all get better at.
You owe it to yourself to practice it regularly so that interactions with strangers aren’t as awkward and soul sucking as they often seem to be.
When you make small talk a daily practice, it will become part of your personality and suddenly you will find that people are very open with you and will end up revealing themselves much more than they had planned on doing.
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Relax, People Want to Talk to You
Getting out of your comfort zone is never an easy thing to do. And to be honest, it may seem impossible if you have spent so much of your life having a vibrant inner life but very little interaction with other people.
We all think that there must be something wrong with us. Whether through our upbringing or by dint of random events in our lives, we have somehow bought into the idea that there is something “normal” out there.
Normal doesn’t exist, and the same people you have convinced want nothing to do with you, are dying for you to say something to them. Humans are social animals, and for the most part we want to be liked.
We want to feel like we belong somewhere. A conversation may not reveal every detail about how awesome you are, but it would brighten the days of the people who you have convinced yourself don’t like you.
You have to be willing to get out there and put yourself on the line. People want to talk to you. People want the interaction. They may not always act as if they’re open to talking to you, but people want to talk to you.
Staying where you feel safe has its use, but you will never get better at small talk unless you are willing to go out and try. There have been plenty of times in my life when I have felt so good after talking with someone who I was wary of.
You just never know what is going through people’s head. And you will miss out on some great relationships with people if you are unwilling to step out of your shell.